Monday, March 3, 2014

Why I Sometimes Don’t Take My Meds

I’m pretty open about the fact that I have an hormonal imbalance that, without medication, turns me into a depressed rage beast.  I’m open with this information mostly because I think it’s super important to talk about stuff like this. Do you know what grows in the dark? Bad things like mold, fungus and angler-fish *shudders*. 

I will never swim in the ocean again. Thanks, Finding Nemo!

With depression, mental illness and other topics that have been delegated as not fit for discussion, in the darkness grows stigma, stereotypes and shame – all bad things. I think it’s time we stop shaming people for a chemical flaw as if it’s a character flaw and bring these topics into the light and see if we can’t breed some understanding and support.

However, as much as I like to be open I can’t say I’m completely without shame when it comes to my potential for depressed rage-beastedness. My secret, the thing I don’t discuss very often is that sometimes I don’t take my pills.

I’m not an expert by any stretch of the imagination, but I think that if you asked anyone who relies on pharmaceuticals to maintain their emotions, behaviours and mental acuity you would find that many of us are resentful and ashamed that we have to take medication daily just to be normal. For me, especially I think because I am a Christian, I'm ashamed that I need medication to keep from flying off the handle at my young son, or to have the energy and focus to complete the tasks of daily life or to balance me out enough that I don't think friends and family would be better off without me. If I have the Spirit of God inside me, why can't I conquer all this? On the other hand, I am sometimes resentful of the fact that my emotions sometimes feel anesthetized, that if I display a deep emotion my husband wonders if I've taken my medication for the day or that I can’t just be normal.

I can tell you, that beyond a shadow of a doubt, getting my medication was a divine intervention in my life, a healing, just not in the way I usually think of healing, nobody smashed me in the head with the palm of their hand or doused me in holy water. However, I still struggle with taking my medication and I think that for me it boils down to comparison and incorrect thinking.

I saw on Pinterest once a sign that said, “Comparison is the thief of joy” and it, comparison, certainly steals my joy. When I compare myself to the other women, other mothers or the so called “normal people” I am full of self-doubt, resentment, jealousy and even anger, but I'm looking at people that simply aren't me. I will never be a shy, demure, Suzy-homemaker, nor will I be a virtuoso musician, an Olympic swimmer or someone with brown eyes. That's not me. It's not the person God had in mind, with a destiny and plan before the creation of the universe. He wants me, even me with a hormonal imbalance

. As for incorrect thinking, I've always been a bit of a know-it-all and I think sometimes I assume my plan  must be God's plan because (obviously) my plan is brilliant. It couldn't possibly be that God might be able to use me just as I am. Of course, when things then don't go my way I fall into resentment and comparison, stop taking my medications and then start the cycle all over again. I need to fix the tape in my head so that it plays God's truths and not the ones I've made up for myself. So that it reminds me of God's goodness and promises. 

Any way, I've been mulling these thoughts over for the last month or so, just thought I'd share them.

Hope they encourage you to stop comparing yourself to others and to love yourself enough to take full advantage of the resources available to you. God has a fantastic plan for you and it's no surprise to him that you have anxiety, depression, mental illness or whatever. He loves you so much.

No comments:

Post a Comment