Monday, September 2, 2013

Why I Will Never Be Asked To Write a Parenting Guide

It's has always been a fairly sure thing that no one would be calling Jeff and I to write a parenting guide anytime soon.  This isn't to say that we're lousy parents. Let's just say that we often find ourselves in some ridiculous situations.

Side Note: Jeff would like to point out that when I say "we" or "us" I'm referring to myself and not him. He says his parenting is just fine.

Here are two conversations that might illustrate my point.

#1 - I am his son.
We knew that this summer would be the one in which we had the Birds and Bees talk with Jacob, but this conversation really cemented it for us.

*Before this conversation occurred Jeff had been having stomach pains and I had joked several times that he was having a baby.

Me: (Getting off the phone with Jeff) Daddy is still feeling sick. The doctors did an ultrasound, but he has to wait to find out what's wrong. He's going to come home.

Jacob: So is he?

Me: Is he what?

Jacob: Is he pregnant?

Me: (Eyebrows up in my hairline trying not to laugh) No. Men don't get pregnant Jacob. So, no.

Jacob: But that doesn't make sense.

Me: What doesn't make sense?

Jacob: I am his son. How am I his son if he didn't get pregnant with me?

Me: Uh...well I was pregnant with you. Men don't get pregnant. Daddy will explain everything when he gets home. Now, go put pants on and play with some Lego.

Can you imagine the amount of complaining? 


#2 - Chicken Vaginas
Jeff had a big talk with Jacob about the differences between men and women's anatomy and about relationships. The following conversation occurred the next day while we were eating eggs.

Jacob: Eggs are kind of funny. It's like eating poo.

Me: Ew! No it's not. What are you talking about?

Jacob: Eggs come out of the chickens' butt, so it's like eating poo.

Me: Eggs don't come out of chickens' butts, they come out of chicken's vaginas.


Jeff:  Sara!!

Jacob: Mom! Chickens have wieners not vaginas.

Me: Roosters have wieners. Chickens have vaginas.
(Looking at Jeff) Is this a good time to tell him where babies come from?

Jeff: (Gives me the head shake of shame)

Jacob: Lady vaginas?

Me: Yes, baby. From lady vaginas.

Jacob: (Thinking for a minute) Unless they're cut out, right mom?

Me: Yes, baby.

Jacob: I was cut out of your tummy , right?

Me: Yes Jacob. It's called a C-section.

Jacob: Oh. Good!

****

I can't wait to fill him in on the mechanics of where babies come from. That should be more fun than forks in my eyes.

Parenting is hard.

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