Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Resume Writing for Realsies

Alright, so my last post was kind of a downer.

I mean, I am having a hard time. However, when a family member asks you if you're ok because "that post made me sad", then follows it up with "are you taking your medication?", it's probably a sign that A. you need to start taking your medication regularly (The pharmacy was downstairs from my old work and I ran out, ok?) and B. your last post was sad.

So, I'm going to try to up the Happy-Happy-Joy-Joy quotient today.

I've been trying to put together my resume and it got me to thinking that really this is just a list of skills and experience, but what does it really tell an employer about me.  A resume doesn't let an employer know about my hot secretary phone voice, my near-encyclopedic knowledge of vampire lore in Paranormal Romance novels or any of my idiosyncrasies that make me into who I am. It just tells them what I can and have done. 

What if, a resume included that kind of stuff though? 

Wouldn't it allow an employer to know if an candidate would be more than just a good fit for the available position, but a good fit with the people at the business too.

(Please, don't take this to an incredibly cerebral place. I'm keeping it light. I understand that there would be all sorts of legal and ethical questions and bla bla bla, remember the Happy-Happy-Joy-Joy quotient and just imagine if my resume looked like this....)

Sara Horney
Goals: To obtain significant employment that will not only uses my brain, but also my super sweet people skills and sexy secretary phone voice.
  • High School Diploma (1998) 
  • Incredibly useless and expensive Honours History Degree (2002). Unless you would like me to write an essay about Hitler, Martin Luther, The Reformation or the social history of Rock 'n' Roll in America, in which case I'm your girl.

Job Experience:
  • Lots of Retail
  • Office/Admin

  • Can touch tongue to nose
  • Can argue just about anything - whether or not I have all the facts (Thanks, German heritage!)
  • Preternatural awkwardness
  • Can read 5 or more novels in a week AND remember what they were about.
  • Can rock a buffet like nobody's business.
  • Armchair Jeopardy champion many times over.
*Too many more to list. You should just call me for an interview.*

  • Inability to make it through a slow dance without bursting into loud fits of laughter
  • Inability to get that first pancake to turn out
  • Sodoku
  • I cannot properly wrap a burrito
  • Math that involves letters. This includes most word problems


  • Guitar solos
  • Pinterest/Facebook/Twitter and other forms of time-sucking social media
  • Trashy novels
  • The aforementioned buffets
  • "Snark"

  • Movies about weddings
  • Cellulite
  • Horses
  • People that say the word "film" as if there is an i between the l and m.
  • Tom Cruise
  • February


If this was my resume I think people might understand me a bit better AND realize what a prize catch I am.

Awesome job and tons of cash money here I come!!

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