Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Me So Horney !

Many of you know that I have the pleasure of being one of the book reviewers at Wicked Little Pixie (wickedlilpixie.com) a site that reviews all sorts of books and snarks about any number of issues. This was one of my first posts for Wicked Little Pixie. The post was published on October 3, 2011 and a couple of things have changed, but not the good stuff. Enjoy!!

This is not a review of the latest in PNR or Erotica.  This is a post about me.
It’ll be funny, I swear.
Some of the other bloggers thought this would be a great idea, and you like their snarkalicious humour, right? Right! So keep reading.

Have you ever met people with one of those last names. A surname that makes you giggle and wonder how in the world that became a last name? Like maybe the Woodcocks, the Wanks or even the Greatheads. (All real names in my home town!) Well I have one of those names.  My last name is Horney. Yeah, it’s pronounced exactly how you think it is.  I'll wait for you to stop snickering.

Having been Mrs. Horney for close to ten years I’ve noticed some pros to having a last name like this. Here’s just a few;
  • Telemarketers can’t say my name without sounding either confused or as if they’re about to burst into a fit of hysterical giggles. One actually did and, in a bizarre but wonderful turn of events, actually hung up on me.
  • I’m on a first name basis with everybody. None of my doctors, real estate agents, even my boss like to refer to me as Mrs. Horney. This makes me feel young.
  • Discussing holiday functions sounds downright dirty. For Example, this year I’ll be hosting Horney Thanksgiving while my sister-in-law hosts Horney Christmas, and my husband’s parents take on Horney Easter.
  • The Hubs and I are able to lighten the mood in some awkward situations. Prenatal class with a bunch of nervous, first time parents was a lot more fun after we introduced ourselves as Mr and Mrs Horney.
  • I can use the last name to get people off my back. I graduated university with a history degree the same year I was married. During my job hunt, when I was asked over and over why I didn’t just become a teacher I was able to respond with, “Who’s going to pay attention to a teacher with the last name Horney?”. Conversation done.
  • I have a theme song.  2 Live Crew’s classic Old School hit Me So Horney (FYI: This is uncensored!!). may not be polite, but nothing turns heads at a bar on karaoke night quite like singing the uncensored version of this song.
  • If I’m out, I can get free drinks from unsuspecting bartenders.
    Me:Will you give me a free drink if I prove to you how Horney I am?
    Bartender:Uh...hell yeah!
    Me: *slaps ID on bar* There’s my ID. Legally Horney 24/7. Make me a drink sucka! Muwahaha! (This was a lot easier to pull off as a newly wed in my early 20’s. Now it just makes me seem kind of sad and keeps bartenders from taking my orders)
The name’s not all unicorns and rainbows though. I get prank callers, I've yet to win any contests that involve a ballot and I’ll never be able to use my name to become a world-renowned children's author.  My name is not on my company’s website (Massage Therapy + Horney = wrong kind of clients) and someday soon I’ll have to explain to my six-year-old son why his friends' parents snicker when they hear his last name.

People with more refined (read:uptight) sensibilities than myself have asked me why I don’t drop the “y” or use my maiden name. Even my mother-in-law suggested I could pretend it was French and tell people it was pronounced Horn-eh, but I love the name (not to mention the man who gave it to me), it makes me laugh (still) and helps me to break the ice with strangers. What better way to get to know someone than sticking out your hand and telling them you're Horney?

What are some of the funniest, most horrible or down right ridiculous last names you’ve ever heard?


  1. Ooooh, I love this post. Too funny! My question is, when you first started dating/met Mr. Horney, how did you find out about his last name/take him seriously?

    The worst name I've ever heard of someone having was...

    Angel. But her last name was Dick.


    1. Jeff went to the public school down the street from mine so I knew of him since 5th grade. When he asked me out I thought his last name was hilarious and would thoroughly scandalize my parents. It wasn't until his parents very firmly requested that I call them Mr. and Mrs. Horney that I had any trouble. I mean, it's funny and I had a hard time being respectful without laughing. I have to admit I practiced in front of the mirror a bit.

  2. LOL. Oh man! I don't know how I would have survived that! What did the priest say when he married you guys, presenting Mr. and Mrs. Horney??!!! Bahahahahaha.


    Okay, I'm done!

    1. He absolutely did and the entire church laughed and cheered - it was awesome!

  3. You had me at WAIT DON'T LEAVE. <3 You are freaking hilarious.