Wednesday, February 15, 2012

The Wheels On The Bus

I don't drive.

It's a long story that I won't bore you with except to say that I have never leaned. So to get to work or wherever I need to go when my husband's not around with the car I take the bus.

You never know who might be on your bus. 

I like taking the bus. I don't love it but I don't hate it either. It's cheaper than taking a cab and takes less time and energy than walking. Plus, it makes me feel all ecologically responsible and stuff.

Taking the bus isn't a new thing for me. My parents didn't own a car until I was in the fourth grade, another long story, so my mom and dad took us on the bus all the time. I am comfortable and familiar with taking the bus. However, I think that somewhere between the time I was 8 and now bus etiquette has been lost and occasionally I find myself about to freak out on the bus because of it. So, instead of having a meltdown and losing my bus riding privileges, I give you...

Helpful Hints to Ensure I Don't Freak Out On The Bus
 (Because, Obviously, It's all About Me)

  • When entering the bus, wait until all people have exited the bus before shoving your way on. We learned about waiting our turn in Kindergarten people. Think back to happier times and embrace that knowledge.
"Eat Paste", "Finger Paint" and "Pick Your Nose" just didn't have the same ring to it.
  • Unless your backpack/large purse contains state secrets it does not need a seat of it's own. Stop hogging the seats.

  • If you're in a double seat, move over close to the window so someone else can potentially take the seat beside you. You chose to take public transit now mingle!

You don't see anyone here complaining about the lack of space, do you? Suck it up, Buttercup and make a new friend.
  • Bathing is key to good bus relationships. Nobody wants to smell B.O., cat litter, stale booze, fish or butt on their morning commute. Trust me on this.

Nobody wants to get stuck next to Stinky McStinkerton. Blech!
  • Don't give the stink eye to parents of screaming infants/toddlers. I can assure you that they already feel like the world's worst parent because their kid is crying on the bus. They don't need more pressure from you.

I think this is a picture of a baby crying on an airplane. It's the same thing really, except that if you really can't take the crying you probably won't die throwing yourself off a bus. 
  • If I can hear your iPod from four seats over it's too loud. Save your ears and keep me from loudly singing off key to your tunes, turn it down.

You are neither as quiet nor as excellent a singer as you think. Also, your music sucks. Just sayin'.
  • As for cell phones, I don't want to hear your argument with your mom, babydaddy, ex, etc. Save personal calls for somewhere you can really let go and tell that person how you feel. The bus is not that place.

  • On the bus we use our inside voice and are cognizant of those around us.   Loudly chatting about your drunken exploits or your sexual proclivities is not cool in front of my 3 year old. I will turn my stink eye upon you. 

Nb. This also goes for the lady that reads aloud to her son on my bus to work. Not cool!

  • Let pregnant women, the elderly and people with physical needs sit down. Have you ever a seen a pregnant lady “Hulk Out” because she's forced to stand on a bus? I have and it's scary. Let her sit down.

She's got swollen ankles, low back pain and rage...lots of rage.

So, there are a few of my tips on how to use the bus without making me crazy. Use them and we'll all get along just fine.


  1. Can I add that, technically, you are supposed to exit out the back door so that the people can easily load into the front door and pay for their ride. I believe there are signs posted to that effect. I know some people do have physical challenges that require them to leave through the front door but its not every single bus rider.

    1. In the winter, the city doesn't always shovel the areas of a bus stope that would be where the rear door is. So generally I'm using the front door, but you're right in the summer there's no excuse.

  2. I once shoulder checked a guy who tried to get on the bus before I got off; it had been a rough day.

    Another thing that gets to me is the way people bottleneck the exits: If you are not getting off the bus in the next couple of stops step away from the door. I've been on a bus where a women actually stood directly in front of the door with an arm on either side of it. I'm not sure she understood the concept of a door.

    1. The bottlenecking thing makes me crazy. To get to work I have to take the bus that goes past one of the local high schools and you can't get past these kids (Oh God! I'm old!) and their stupid backpacks.